Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
