Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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