You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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