Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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