do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
