Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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