the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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