i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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