Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The beer is more important than you right now.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
