He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
