once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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