dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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