You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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