I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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