awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
