Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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