Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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