fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
