from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
