i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
