We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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