end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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