Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
