Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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