i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
