i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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