Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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