I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Fuck appropriateness.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I will pee on everything he values.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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