You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
