please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
