no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Your cock deserves a montage
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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