I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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