two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
