Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
