Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
