I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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