just come out here and I will go home with you...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
this hospital has no fireball
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
