Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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