under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
