he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
