I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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