Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
