Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
