fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
