So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
