My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
