so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
