Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
