i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
