your parents love me but you hate me
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
