You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
