We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
