I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
