I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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