you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
