My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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