I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
