I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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