Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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