On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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