i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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