seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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